(It’s more than five months until the Oregon presidential primary, so we don’t know whether we’ll actually ever see Donald Trump campaigning here. Fortunately, it’s not hard to imagine what his speech would be like.)
Oregon loves me. I remember watching on television as thousands and thousands of people celebrated in Portland when they heard I might appear here. Nobody can actually find the film, but I know I saw it. Maybe all the TV stations erased it.
The Northwest has always been hurt because I wasn’t running things. 54-40-or-Fight? I could have gotten you 64-50. I’m the greatest negotiator ever. If I’d been there at the beginning, Oregon would now extend up to the Arctic Ocean, where there would be a Trump Ski and Whaling Resort.
And it would be the classiest ski and whaling resort in the world, because it would be Trump.
Plus we’d have a fantastic championship-level golf course right next to it.
It would be huge.
I would fix the Columbia River, which I would make run faster and produce more energy. Competing with the world now, we have to stop giving that river a free ride. You think the Chinese would just let that river roll on? I can do anything better than the Chinese can. I beat them all the time, and I’m ready to beat them river by river.
And when the Columbia runs faster, I’ll make the salmon stronger so they can get back up the river. The problem is not just that the people running the river now are stupid, it’s that the salmon are stupid. I’ll fix that. I went to the University of Pennsylvania, and I’m smarter than any salmon.
I’m also smarter than sturgeon and – I’ve got to tell the truth about this, Oregon, although I know the media will beat me up for it – smarter than any beaver.
I build better dams every day at Trump Tower, which is the best address in the world.
But really, beavers are great people, terrific people. We’re very close.
You want someone who knows trees? I know trees. I’ve dealt with thousands of trees, and they’ve never given me any trouble. I’m way smarter than they are. You want more trees, I can get you more trees.
In fact, I can get you a great deal on trees. None of those clowns in Washington now can do that.
And they claim they have a forest policy. What do we pay taxes for?
And I pay a lot of taxes, because I’m really rich.
You’ve got problems with Californians coming up to the Northwest? Not with me as president. I’ll build you a wall with California, and make California pay for it. I’ll even round up all the Californians that arrived recently, and send them back. We’ll do it gently and kindly; maybe we’ll just lure them back south with fish tacos, and then keep them from coming back by patrolling the border with rabid wolves.
You can’t fool around with people from California. Many people from California are fat, disgusting and not up to my standards in looks, and some of them are even Muslim. I’m not going to fool around with that. I didn’t get to be as incredible as I am by fooling around.
I love Oregon, and obviously Oregon loves me. I could charge big money for coming to campaign here, or anyplace else.
That’s how I would make America great again, by making it more like me. Back when America was great, it was just like me.
So you can see I could do amazing things for Oregon. Bigfoot won’t come out and talk to anybody? He’ll talk to me. More than anybody who has ever run for president, I know Bigfoot. I was on a talk show with Bigfoot – the network begged me to come on – and he’s a good guy, although not as smart or good-looking as I am. Between you and me, even my feet are bigger, although the media won’t tell you that.
I would give the Northwest what it’s never had, a winning Bigfoot policy. We’ve got a Bigfoot policy put together by losers, a Bigfoot policy run by people with small feet and smaller IQs.
I could bring Bigfoot out by offering him a free week at a Trump hotel. Nobody would refuse that, because Trump hotels are the greatest places in the world.
I can figure out things like that, because I’m really smart.
Also really, really rich.
Did I mention that?
NOTE: This column appeared in The Sunday Oregonian, 12/6/15.